How to Say 'Sorry' Effectively to Your Partner

Giving or receiving an effective and sincere apology can assist in diffusing an unpleasant situation or misunderstanding within your relationship. Your partner is an individual who will have different needs and methods of communication. As your relationship develops you can learn more about your partner’s style of communication and how to say ‘sorry’ effectively to them.

Using the word “sorry”

Some people do not like to say ‘sorry’ or cannot see a need to use the word. On the other side of the coin other people need to hear it in order to move forward. If you have a partner that needs to hear the word ‘sorry’ it is important to try and use the word in the appropriate context of your apology. For example, saying “I am sorry that you feel that way” may not necessarily be interpreted as you feeling sorry that your behaviour has had a negative impact on your partner.

To communicate a sincere apology, try using these examples –

• “I am sorry for my actions”
• “I am sorry that my behaviour has hurt you”

Reflect your partner’s feelings

When an apology has not been effectively communicated, it can feel like you are both on a merry-go-round talking about the same situation over and over again, not making any progress or moving forward. Usually this merry-go-round occurs because one or both parties feel like they are not being understood or heard.

By reflecting your partner’s feelings it can help your partner to feel like they have been heard and that you are trying to understand the emotions and feelings that they are currently experiencing.

To reflect a person’s feelings, try using these examples –

• "I am hearing that you feel upset and disappointed because of my actions”
• “I can see that my actions have hurt you deeply”

Ask what your partner needs you to do now

Rather than focusing on the past incident and arguing about the details of the negative experience, it can be helpful to ask your partner what it is they need you to do or say. Ask if there is something that you can do to improve the situation immediately, even if only slightly. This will help to show your partner that you have recognised that you have caused them hurt and that you want to try to make amends.

Gifts, flowers and gestures

It is not uncommon for people to give their partners gifts or flowers as part of an apology. It is important to remember that everyone will react differently to these gestures when given as part of an apology. Even though the gesture may be coming from good intentions for reconciliation, there is a chance that it may be associated with a negative feeling or experience and a gesture of flowers may end up in a vase or in the bin. Take note of how your partner reacts to these gestures whether positive or negative and use this knowledge for future reference.

Being sincere

As humans our non-verbal signals and cues make up a large proportion of our communication. Non-verbal communication includes tone of voice, eye contact, body language and facial expression. People can generally tell when a person is or is not being sincere in what they say. This is because the facial expression or tone of voice may not be congruent to what the person is saying. By having empathy or thinking about how it might feel if the shoe was on the other foot, it may help you to express that you are sincere in your apology to your loved one. 

It is never a pleasant experience when you are in conflict and need to apologise to your partner therefore, try to use the experience as a learning tool. Learning to say sorry effectively to your partner can assist you in resolving conflict effectively and reaching peace and understanding within your relationship. It is well worth investing the time to understand how your partner is feeling and what needs to take place in order for your relationship to move forward to a happier and healthier place.

Article by Katie Larkin, Relationship Counsellor, Vision Counselling.

5 tips to build a more trusting relationship

1.  Set your boundaries as a couple. What is acceptable and what is not acceptable? Let your partner know how you feel about certain behaviours and negotiate boundaries for your relationship together.

2.  Trust is something that can take a long time to build and a short time to be lost - be aware of this, cherish it when you have it and try to behave within the boundaries of your relationship

3.  Consider your partner when making a decision that may affect them. Consider how your actions may make your partner feel and whether it will affect the trust within your relationship.

4.  Remember in an ideal world, couples should be building each other up, not tearing each other down. Try to encourage your partner, compliment them and let them know you care often.

5.  Become a team. Work together to address and overcome external pressures on you and your relationship. Avoid taking it out on each other and use that energy to help each other get through the difficult or stressful situations that life throws at you. Let your partner know that you are on their team and that you will help them to get through difficult times.

 Article by Katie Larkin, Relationship Counsellor, Vision Counselling.

Jealousy and Distrust in Your Relationship

Most people have experienced a feeling of jealously at some stage during their relationship. This can range from feelings of uneasiness and being uncomfortable right through to anger leading to arguments and resentment.

Common causes of jealous feelings in relationships

A common cause of jealously within relationships can occur when one or both partners are feeling insecure. Personal insecurities can be caused by low self-esteem and cause negative thinking patterns. If a person thinks poorly of themselves, they may start to question why their partner is with them and query their partner's actions and behaviours.

More and more often we are seeing the internet and social networking sites play a new role in causing feelings of jealousy within relationships. This new social medium is now providing the opportunity for individuals to communicate over the internet via live chat, blogging, photos and posting messages.

One Canadian study of University aged students entitled 'More Information than You Ever Wanted: Does Facebook bring out the green-eyed monster of jealousy?' has found a direct correlation between the amount of time spent investigating your partner on Facebook and an increase in feelings of jealousy leading to a negative influence on behaviour and relationships.

Common causes of feelings of distrust

Within a relationship distrust is an expectation that a partner's actions, intentions and motives will be are harmful to one's own interests.

There are many causes that can lead to feelings of distrust within a relationship and will greatly vary depending on the couple. Some common causes of feelings of distrust are –

- when one individual breaks promises their partner

- a partner being untruthful about what their actions have been or who they have been in contact with

- a partner not behaving within the boundaries of the relationship

- a relationship not having established clear boundaries

How couples can work to resolve feelings of jealousy

To better understand how jealousy is affecting your relationship and resolve these feelings, take some time to speak to your partner openly. Let them know that you love them and how you are feeling. Chances are your partner will offer reassurance and this discussion may provide you both with the opportunity to reaffirm your feelings towards each other and identify why you are together.

Take some time to focus on the reasons why your relationship is stable and satisfying for each of you. Respect yourself and recognise that you are someone that is worth loving and that your partner chose you for a very good reason!

 Article by Katie Larkin, Relationship Counsellor, Vision Counselling.

Tools to stop fights from escalating

To stop fights before they escalate set some boundaries with your partner for when you disagree. Different things will work for different couples and these will need to be negotiated between you and your partner. Here are some tools that couples may use to avoid fights from escalating –

• When you need to bring up an issue with your partner, weigh up how you are feeling at the time - have you had a stressful day and need to blow off steam? If so, it may be worth waiting to address the issue tomorrow when you are feeling calmer.

• Try to stay focused on the issue rather than arguing about the details or trivia surrounding the issue.

• Be aware of your feelings and try to express these using sentences starting with "I".

• If you sense a disagreement is escalating, walk away for an agreed period of time, negotiate this with your partner during a period when you are not arguing - "If I feel an argument escalating in the future I will try to walk away for 15 minutes, that will give us both time to calm down, get our thoughts together and we can come back and try to resolve the issue. Do you think that would be a suitable length of time?"

• A codeword can be a useful signal to your partner that you can feel an argument is escalating further then it should.

• Write down the issue - sometimes this technique can make the issue clearer to yourself as well as your partner

Article by Katie Larkin, Relationship Counsellor, Vision Counselling.