When a couple is continually fighting it is important for them to identify and focus on the outcome they are actually trying to achieve. Usually couples have a particular pattern in which they engage in an argument. During the arguments the same behaviours tend to occur. It may be worth sitting down with your partner and trying to identify the pattern that occurs during conflict. This will help you to recognise it when arguments occur and work together on changing it.
During times of conflict –
- Focus on the things that can be changed rather than the things that can not.
- From your own perspective, identify what you can change to make the situation better immediately – it is easy for us to tell others how they should or should not be behaving however it is effective when we work out the things that we can change about our own behaviour to improve the situation – this is something that we do have control over.
- Show respect to one another and avoid arguing in front of your children – you are their main role models and this is one of the places that your children learn to solve problems and treat others.
- Avoid personal attacks and insults – when a person is insulted it can be difficult for them to see past the insult and understand the point that you are trying get across.
- Avoid swearing and try to keep your voices at a normal volume – this will help to keep you both calmer.
- Avoid threatening your partner.
- Try to let each other say their piece and acknowledge that you have heard the point that they are trying to make.
- Seek counselling – if you are struggling to resolve conflict, counselling can provide mediation, help you to look at the conflict in a different way and will give you the opportunity to be heard. Counselling should be a completely confidential and non-judgmental process. To find a professional counsellor, contact one of the peak professional bodies of counselling in your country.